Boundaries

Boundaries are imaginary lines I establish around myself to protect my soul, heart and mind from the unhealthy, draining and damaging behavior of others. Setting strong boundaries allows me to be my best, feel great about myself and frees up tremendous energy.

Boundaries are only effective when there are limits I set on my own behavior, rather than rules and restrictions I try to place on the behavior of others who can rebel, forget, etc.

My right to set healthy boundaries carries with it the responsibility for me to clearly communicate my boundaries to those persons closest to me who may be affected by my boundaries.

If someone is violating my boundaries, and it is truly harming me or hurting me, I am responsible for doing something about the situation. I can express my boundary, but if they don't respect it, I can't make them respect it or own it, all I can do is protect myself from that person.

How to Set Boundaries

Start by paying attention to how I feel when I am with a person. Unless you I good about myself and feel cared about after talking to, or spending time with, the person that person is violating an important boundary.

When I have weak boundaries I:

Feel drained a lot of the time.
Attract needy, disrespectful users into my life.
Have less fun.
Feel resentful.

Ways to Set Boundaries:

"I do not like that tone of voice."
"I am asking that you stop being sarcastic."
"Do not touch me when you are angry."
"If you do that again I will...."
"STOP that right now!"
"You may not behave this way around me. If you wish to discuss this at another time, I am open. Now I am leaving."
"This is what I need."
"This is my decision."
"You and I see it differently and I expect you to respect my choice."
"This is not OK with me."
"This is NOT OK with me anymore."

Why do I allow my boundaries to be violated?
In a word, FEAR.

Fear someone will not like me.
Fear I’ll be punished in some way.
Fear I'm doing something I don’t have a right to do.
Fear I'll be judged as selfish or mean.
Fear I'll feel guilty.
Fear that if I don’t do what another wants, the relationship is at risk.

Six Boundary Problems: A Quick Comparison

Rigid Too closed, inflexible, no spontaneity, unyielding, non-negotiable, unchangeable, stubborn, adamant, hard
Invisible Too open, non-assertive, push-over, over-adapts, feels used and hurt, her gut says "no" while her mouth says "yes", passive
Distant Far, unreachable, disconnected, absent, non-communicative, loner, aloof, cold, removed
Enmeshed Over lapped, yes-man, no opinions of her own, loss of identity, too close, clone
Intrusive Pushy, forceful, bulldozer, invasive, bossy, interfering, interrupter
Hyper-Receptive Takes in too much, tense, waits for cues, fearful, chameleon, vigilant, anticipates others desires